.Thursday, February 26, 2009 ' 11:01 PM Y
im so fucked upbroken and devastated
im so sick n tired of livin
dat i rather trade my life to sum1 who wans it badly
y muz it hav to b me to suffer
as i write diz blog
wif eyes full of tears
heart fylin so heavy
mind kip replayin d past
god is neva fair to me
ive been livin 19 yrs in dis world
but 19 yrs is so torturin
i juz dun undrstnd d meanin of luv
i owys end up broken
i rmbr dat tym
yrs back
wen i was ony 5 yrsold
my 3rd bro n me asked mom for 50 cents
to get tid-bits
mom said she got no money
but wen dat bloody bastard bro of mine
asked mom for a dollar
mom gav him wif no hessitation
wen i was 4
my 1st bro tape me
frm my hands to my leg
juz bcoz i cnt seat still
wat do eu xpct
i was ony 4
i asked mom to let go of me
n all she did was ignore me
wen i was arnd 6 or mayb slightly older
i owys c my bro's watchin porn
n they end up tryin to get my hands on me
i neva did tell anyone
i kept it to myself
wen im in my lower primary yrs
i was owys beaten up so badly
by dat bastard bro of mine
dat till now
i juz duno d fylin of pain bein bash up
wen i was in prim 3
my 3rd bro ran away frm hm
i missed him terribly
coz im juz so closed to him till now
it was mothers day
i bought mom a rose shaped glass perfume
n i realli save my pocket money for dat
my nephew played wif it
n i wasnt hapie
so i snatched it away
n my sis in law wasnt hapie wif d way i was
i push her bags out of my room
n tried to shut d door but she pushed back
she shouted at me
and she slaped me
it end up into a big arguement btwn her n my 1st bro
n end up
my 1st bro wanted to kill me wif a scissors
n still in prim 3
my dad played a prank on me
switchin of my room tv usin d livin room remote
i shut my bedroom door in anger
but dad came in
n i got beaten up instead
mom neva did help me
wen i was in prim 5
dad n mom got divorced
dad was havin an affair
i saw dem fight evry day n nyt
n wen dad atually divorced my mom
i was lyin sick in bed
i heard evrytink
i was cryin hard
wen i was in prim 6
dad remarried to his bitch
mom was terribly sick
our bills gt cut off
coz mom no longer work
we had no choice but to shift to my 1st bro hse
i didnt wan to cum at 1st
coz i had an arguement wif my sis in law
but my 3rd bro talk me out
mom was admitted to hsptl soon afta dat
she juz got worst
cancer spread evrywhr
n she was in coma
but she was well awake i guesh a mth b4 hr bdae
but den she died afew days afta my PSLE results
and 10 days afta her bdae
it was 2 wks b4 hari raya
and a few mth afta dat
as i still rmbr it freshly
my sis in law said dis to me
"i actually dun wan eu n eur otha 2 bro to stay undr my roof"
"but i hav no choice"
since den she made me lyk her slave
she will sit all day infront of her computer
n i hav to take care of her 3 child bck den
and wen d hse is not up to her expectation
she koled my 1st bro n said
"eur sis is so lazy,she is not helpin me wif d hse werk at all"
dat was in my lower sec yrs
wen i was sec 3
i shifted to my bastard bro's wife hm
which is my fwn afta all
he bad mouth abt me alot to my 1st bro
my 1st bro was so mad at me
i fell badly ill
mayb bcoz i broke up wif my x,putera
i loike him alot
i was admitted to hsptl
evry1 visited me
evn my dad
but my 1st bro juz didnt appr
so i assume maybe he was bz
or maybe he is juz angry at me
in 2007
i joined kimarie n i nyded to sign a bond for 3yrs
bcoz of dat bond
i got into a big arguement wif my 1st bro n my in law,his wife
n they almost kicked me out of d hse
i was so upset
hairstylin was my passion
n it takes me so much to get through
i broke up wif my beloved x in 2007 cny
i was so reali devastated
n till now it seems lyk i hvnt moved on
but i got in to alot of rltnships
do alot of bad stuff
drink,smoke,drug was gettin heavier
but i neva was once addicted
coz i noe my limits as usual
afta so long foolin
i found a guy
who i was so crayzee in luv wif
we got into a big arguement
coz it seems lyk he is usin me to showcase arnd
afta dat we were ok
but he wan me to change
i changed
frm nose rings to nose studs
frm heavy makeup to simple
frm goth to typical
but den
he dumped me
i was so upset
dat i try to get wasted wif dis guy
which is now my x n a fren of my 3rd bro
but in btwn i flirt wif alot of guys
frm 1 to anotha
it seems lyk i was neva hm
coz i kip goin on rides wif guys
on their bike or car
as long as they hav transport
but i kept in cntc wif dis particular guy
i duno y
he seems very nice
but he alrdy gt a gf
so b it
we can owys b fwenz
things went wrg wif him n gf
n we get so close to ech otha
i tell him almst evrytink
n i realise
i end up fallin for him
i duno if diz iz koled luv
or juz infactuation
n things gt wierder
i end up gettin on wif him
but i owys felt guilty
evn now afta a mtn pluz later
i felt lyk a bitch
a relationship breaker
but he kip reassurin me
i met his fren n he met mine
my bestie was 1 on 1 talk wif me
askin if i reali luv him
n wan me not to hurt him
coz she noe he luvz me
but we dun seem to undrstnd ech otha
he juz cnt acpt me for who i m
but i juz luv him so much
but it seems loike evrytink is goin wrg
im so afraid of losin him
he juz dun undrstnd
i hate to b tied dwn
no matter how much i luv him
i still wana b free
n b myself
but im fylin so restricted
im so drownin
it hurts me deeply
dat i noe i cnt make him hapie
mayb not loike how his x does
im so diff frm his x
im so not perfect
im rebellious
im bad
but how wud i make him acpt me?
me as who i m
me as dis wierd gurl
im diff
i dowan him to leave me
coz i noe for sure
it will b lyk my last strand of lyf
i noe i will giv up evrytink
includin my career
my lyf
if he eva brks my heart
i suffer alot
n i dowan to suffer anymore
not now
not eva
im lyk lost of hope
im so stress
i can juz cut my wrist
n juz die dis very instant
i wana giv up
no one will undstnd me
d torture of lyf ive been through
physically n mentallyn so badly
TORTURED
Labels: kiir0i n3k0
